


Helplessness

by inkandpaperhowl



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/F, Here Lies the Abyss, sort of spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 02:42:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5894914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkandpaperhowl/pseuds/inkandpaperhowl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabble: ten things not to think about when standing in a graveyard in the Fade.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Helplessness

1.

Don’t think about how Cassandra has a tombstone, and you know it’s not real, but there it is, stiff and grey and square, as reassuringly solid as her presence at your back every time you go into battle (except you didn’t bring her with on this battle, oh no…you thought you could do this without her). There’s a catch in your throat because you realize that this will one day be all that’s left of her–grey corners of solid rock and a name–and you can’t imagine a world without her. You think maybe it looks something like the one you’re trapped in now.

2.

Don’t think about how quickly you realize that the tombstones list nothing but names and greatest fears. Bull’s says _Madness_ , and he’s staring at it with an expression you’ve never seen on his face before: something between dawning realization and the sick horror that comes from certainty. Dorian’s says _Temptation_ , and he simply glances at it, dismissively; this is hardly new knowledge to him, and his strength comes from pretending it doesn’t bother him (it bothers him–oh, the pain in his eyes, and that story he told earlier about his first time in the Fade…it’s not temptation from demons that he fears). Sera has studiously turned her back from the graveyard, but _The Nothing_ is staring at her from every angle, and you feel guilty for bringing her with, though you know there was no way you could have known that you would end up here. 

3.

Don’t think about how Cassandra’s tombstone says _Helplessness._ You reach out to lay a hand on it, but you hesitate: if you touch it, it will be real (you don’t want this to be real). 

4.

Don’t think about how frightened she must be, pacing the battlements of Skyhold, waiting for you to come back, not knowing (helpless). A messenger must have arrived by now, some brave raven flying through the night; you have no idea how long you’ve been in the Fade, but time moves differently here, and she has to know by now that you fell out of the world while she was leagues away (helpless). She won’t let her fear show–she can’t–but that means she’s angry instead, angry at Leliana for telling her she can’t ride for Adamant with all speed (helpless), angry at Josephine for telling her with tears in her eyes that there is nothing they can do (helpless), angry at Cullen for leading the troops to battle without her, for letting you out of his sight, for letting you fall; though she knows it isn’t his fault, she needs someone to blame (helpless). 

5.

Don’t think about how if you die, she will blame herself for not being there. 

6.

Don’t think about how if she dies, you will blame yourself for leaving her behind. 

7.

Don’t think about how when all this is through, you’re going to run to her and take her in your arms, and she’s going to respond, and you’re going to hold her as if you mean to never let go. She’s going to pound bruises into your back and scream obscenities at you for leaving her so worried, so terrified (so helpless); how she’s going to be as calm as the eye of a storm and whisper that she was worried, but say nothing else; how she’s going to be unable to express herself when she tells you she’s glad you are safe. (You are making plans for a future you don’t think will happen and it is useless.) 

8.

Don’t think about how you are probably never going to see her face again, and how much that hurts–your heart feels like it’s crumbling and your stomach feels like it’s gnawing itself into knots, and your limbs tremble (you can’t know it, but Cassandra feels the same right now). You force yourself to stand up straighter, but you’ve chewed your lips raw, and your knuckles are white on the grip of your staff, and the others are moving away, but you can’t bring yourself to lift your feet from this unholy ground. 

9.

Don’t think about how the Nightmare taunted you with words and laughter, but how this graveyard has done more to strike fear into you than any sly phrase ever could. It’s only a demon, after all, and demons can be killed, but truths are harder to dislodge. This truth–that she’s stuck waiting for you and it’s your fault–is going to fester in you like a splinter of rotted wood. You wonder if the demon knew that, and put this graveyard here just for you (don’t wonder what it would say to Cassandra if she were here; don’t wonder if it would feed on the doubts she has expressed to you, if it would turn her faith against her, if it would make a weakness out of her strength, as it did to you). 

10.

Don’t think about how much you love her, and how desperately you want to see her again, and how the thought of her is keeping you alive. You will never be out of her sight again after this, you swear silently, but you know you are helpless to reach her. (There’s that word again: _helpless_. Perhaps if you turn around, there will be a new name on the tombstone, and the two of you will be helpless together.) You promise her silently that you’re going to come back to her. You wonder if there is magic strong enough to let her hear you.


End file.
